I set across the room

And see inside her mind

She told me half of her life

And even smile for me

She showed me around

She was a part

She filled my day

I felt her closer and closer in every step

And then I saw myself

Crawling asking her why?

With her dark eyes she turns

And show me again her grin

Her hair flout around the air

Taking place over her shoulders

She gasps to me

She spoke her words

And suddenly

She knew about me more that I have ever told

She followed my road

And read my thoughts

She ride across my dreams

She had a talk with my biggest fears

She knew my desires

She colour my nightmares

She played to be my friend

And left me alone and broken again

Alone I felt, I won’t be any more

Her prose today

Wont mean what I wanted so

She said she was there

She said she was going to show me herself

And blinded I was by return

To find myself trusting more than I ought

Once again on the floor

I set across the room

And see inside her mind

I knew the hidden parts of it all

And still I wanted to show her that I was there

And I was not going to let her fall

But the truth was that

She was the one who betrayed me

And sadly I must admit

To you indeed

To you to read

I'm still here

So don’t use my name as your own

Because I'm still around

And although hurt

I did not fall.

I will not fall…

 

 

 

Mara G.Smith

De golpe aquellas palabras que aunque verdaderamente no entendía se callaron,

Sentí el vacío de un espacio que estaba momentáneamente ocupándose,

Aquel que un día dijo: "quiero cuidarte", me lastimaba,

Tenia verdades irrefutables para alejarse, el solo reaccionaba.

Se protegía a sí mismo del dolor que la relación conmigo le causaba.

Si bien ayer pintaba amor también su espalda rasguñaba con maldad desenfrenada.

Y en vacío rincón, el eco comenzaba a volverme loca,

La soledad de aquel "amor" la contención de quien se brinda por completo,

A quien te piensa en silencio y te desea a su lado ya no la siento.

Y yo lo se, hoy no tengo miedo de gritar para que entiendas,

Es que no estoy acostumbrada a ir por mi cuenta,

Siempre hubo alguien a mi lado, ocupando aquel espacio, que hoy crece en un vacío inconsolable...

Y de golpe, el reflejo de mi mano... y en el brillo de mis ojos, tu mirada.

Como una clonación pero con sexo revertido, estas enfrente y te deseo con el cuerpo entumecido de moretones, pero ansío que tus dedos se conviertan en mi realización de fantasías, sé que cuando te miro me veo, sé que cuando te escucho me oigo, sé que lo que pienso es lo que sentís, y lo que quiero es lo que tenes para ofrecerme...

Y de tu parte? Y de tu lado estas con miedo a enamorarte, por que es mas fuerte de lo que podes controlar, por que si me lastimas te haces daño, por que los dos somos parte de lo mismo... y si, reaccionas? Yo te dije podríamos hacer de cuenta que nunca nos cruzamos. respondiste, muy seguro, que NO, y fue un no determinante, fue el destino replicaste!... no te voy a dejar ir... pero no ves que tampoco formo parte.

Y aunque no exista este concepto del amor, y aunque hallan dudas de las almas gemelas, aunque nadie halla escrito que es posible enamorarse para toda una vida sin ni siquiera "conocerse" realmente, vos y yo nos sentimos eternos desde la primera vez que nos tocamos la piel. Y lo sabes, y lo sentís, y le temes, y rehuís, pero los dos sabemos que es así.

Estando juntos no importa si hay cansancio, si afuera llueve, diluvia o esta nevando, sintiéndonos uno al lado del otro no importa nada mas que estar concentrados.

Y por debajo de la ropa, las caricias que yo espero llegan solas, por que me tocas como quisieras que te toquen, y por mi cuerpo van repartiéndose millones de emociones nuevas repetidas inexplicables ya vividas que en tus labios solo importa el hoy y ahora...

Y yo estoy, y de acá no quisiera irme...

Y ahí estas, y queres decidirte por quedarte...

Pero ninguno de los dos define el concepto que nos une y que nos mantiene ensimismados en un mundo, el escondite al compromiso, en una realidad donde la fidelidad es solo una ilusión pasajera, y el enamorarse escapa a nuestras manos.

Por que el miedo que sentimos nos aleja de vivenciar el hoy y ahora que nos llega.

Dejemos ya de preguntarnos tantas cosas, y entreguemos cada uno su pretexto... no hay nadie mas en todo el mundo más parejo... que vos y yo.

 

 The Game

 

Suddenly those words that although I really did not understand got quiet,

I felt the empty in one space that once was filled.

The one that one day said: “I want to take care of you”, it was hurting me.

I had irrefutable truths to go away, he was just reacting.

He was protecting himself from the pain that the relationship with me was causing him.

Even though yesterday was painted by love also scratched his back with evilness unstoppable.

And in an empty corner, the echo was beginning to drive me insane.

The loneliness that that “love” the contention of who was giving to me completely,

The one who thinks you in silence and want you by his side I not longer feel it.

And I know, today I do not have fear to scream fro you to understand me.

It is that I am not use to go by my own.

Always was someone right beside me, filling that emptiness, that today grows into an inconsolable hollow…

And suddenly, the reflex ion of my own hand… and the brightness of my own eyes, your look.

Like a clonation but with the reverted sex, you’re in front of me and I want you with my numb body, numb of bruises. But I wish still that your fingers turn my realization of fantasies. I know when I look at you, that I see myself, I know what I hear your voice, I hear myself, I know that what I think is what you feel and what I want is what you have to offer me…

And from your side? And from your side you are with fear to fall in love, because it is stronger that what you can control, because if you hurt me, you hurt yourself, because we are both part of the same…and if you react? I told you we could pretend that we never crossed with each other.

You answered, so secure, NO, and it was a negative so determinate, that you replayed “was the destiny!”… I am not going to let you go… but can’t you see I am neither part of it.

And even though there is not such a concept of love, and even there will be doubt about soul mates, even nobody would have written that it is possible to fall in love for the rest of your life without even “know each other”, you and I, we feel eternal since the first day that we touched each others skin.

And you know it, you feel it, you are afraid of it and you run from it, but we both know it is the way it is.

When we are together, it does not matter if we are tired, if outside is raining, is there is a storm or if is snowing, feeling one next to another, nothing else matter than to be focus.

And underneath of our clothes, the caresses that I wait come along lonely, not need to ask for them, because you touch me the way you want to be touched, and by my body goes cough up millions of new emotions cyclic, inexplicable, already resided but in your lips only matter today and now…

And here I am, and from here I would not want to go away…

And here you are, and you want to decide to stay…

But neither of us define by concept what is it that unite us, what is it that keep us outside the rest of the world, the hidden place for the real commitment, a reality where the fidelity is only an illusion, and the fact of falling in love escape from our hands.

Because the fear that we feel make us apart, making us tricky the thoroughfare of get pleasure from the today and the now that we are living.

Let’s stop already of asking so many questions, and let’s give ourselves to one last pretext…

There is nobody else in the entire world, more parallel even in the twisted matters…than us.

 

 

 

Outside this close minded world

I wait to see the perfect moment

To jump over you

Snap your neck in a almost unpredictable action

and unexpected movement

when I make you know

your mine.

 

And crack your head on a side

To see your eyes going blank

As the red liquid leave your jugular into my tongue…

Tasting you all

 As nobody ever did nor will..

Going through this one only time trance

Dying in my arms

 

And I watch you from the darkness

Naïve eyes

Licking my lips to maintain them wet

Playing with the tip of my tongue…

Feeling the sharper end of my pointed tooth with it.

Getting all set

Going back and forward

Once and million times again

Because I won’t hesitate

Until the one first bite.

 

I will just hear you scream

And then enjoy the deathly sexual silence

Of your entire being melting in the tilt of my fingers

 

Falling down…

Licking…

Slowly

Tainted

Would you scream and fight me back?

Would you agree and just let me drink you all?

 

Fall

Let yourself go

Let me swim inside your veins

Making my way

Feeling your heart beating

You’re breathing slowly getting agitated

As a wave caressing the shore…

Letting you go…

Just fall.

 

Bleed for me, in me, because of me.

Blind me with your essence

Depth me with your mute pain

Break me with your pleasure

The fall I am giving you

The end in me

Your end because you die to let me free.

 

 

 

I wish I was not me

Someone different to all the things that make me be unique

If you see me walk…

You would probably think –“there she goes”

“She knows where she is going”- “she knows what she wants”

(And this is my favourite quote…) “She knows how to get it”

 

Meanwhile on the other side of this two ways streets

I walk… I almost don’t lift my head up

Always staring at the floor

Measuring which piece of floor my foot is going to step into to avoid step onto any ant.

And if the light change on the sides

Or even worse…in front

And there you will be thinking these things of me

I will rush my hand on my biggest bag’s pocket

And get the volume so loud that the thoughts I was having about how hard you and the rest of the world would judge me…

Are being covered by the explosions of sound, and I can not think.

I hardly can focus myself enough to keep making my brain giving the order for each following movement to each foot…to go on one more step.

Trying to control the heat on my face

To not turn blush

Asking myself, till almost reach the border of the same madness

Do I have something wrong?

Are my shoes ok?

Is my hair a mess?

Do you or anyone can notice how hard I am trying to just keep walking without anyone realizing how much I shake?

Shivering of fear running away from the masses abnormality

Terror of being appointed with their cruel fingers…

That someone really notice me and take away my disguise, my mask

My role…yelling – for everyone to hear – she does not even know who she is!

And with the lungs full of air… still their fingers pointing at me…laugh and laugh of me!

 

Coffee, cream and two spoons of sugar

 

Blisters out of my rusty head

Fingers falling down across this nowhere road

Darkness without sense

And madness everywhere

Hiding my fears

But yet unable to keep quiet my thoughts

Naked in front of you

Giving myself completely

Meanwhile tears fell down through my cheeks

The eyes looking down

And the look lost

In a room full with broken dreams

And unbelievably unlimited imagination

Just like the mind I was once

The one that has being screaming from the back of my head

The one that wants so much to feel the cold air on my feet

When the wave reaches the shore

When the sky can not resist my charmed blinking eyes

When my lungs blown away the cloudiness above your head

And there is nothing but a huge white moon

That shows you

How much I would renounce in life till the same self death

To see you smile

To be able to read you even a little bit more

And yet…

Nothing

Because I won’t change you

Won’t be meaningful

And you won’t change me

Because I would stop being myself

So holding hands in an unknown path

Does not seem to be so adventurous

For you as it is for me

Or does it and I am blinded by some sort of external pressure?

This is me who is getting things in the middle and not allowing myself to enjoy

Not allowing myself to be free

Not letting me see

Enjoy

Breathe you in?

This is me who walks marking limits?

This is me who is longing for more?

Or it is me who is more then happy and

Because of being that much blissful cries?

Sensitive creature, me.

I wish I could quit

And change

Reborn and be strong

Hear the noise around you

And vibe

Vibe from it the same exactly way that you do

I want to be so much part of something that I will never be

Is it me who throw the dices?

Is it me who arranged the rules?

Is it me who declared this game over?

Has it started yet?

Why I feel like I am not the only one confused in here?

But yet I have this guilty sensation chasing me

Almost driving me insane that it is me the only one who is screaming it?

I yell at the air

The wind make my voice get lost in between the leaf from a fall that still have not notices that’s is out of place

Or is it me the one who does not belong?

Your eyes

Your eyes invited me long time ago to places there I wanted to see

Your hands had touched me in places that I did not even know that I had

Your heart, has shattered me and rebuilds me so many times

That it is useless to keep on tracking

Because there is not other life

But the one I am living right beside you

Is it me that it is not showing it enough?

Is it me that needs to stop yelling because when I scream you can not hear anything but this terrify noise that depths you?

 

Should I go next to you and grab your arm?

Turn your steps around and make you face me?

It does not seem to be enough with being here

With waking up and going to bed skin by skin on your land

With taking the cold air in and making warm for me to be able to breathe once again…

In nights like tonight

Where my eyes wants to shout themselves out

Where should I go?

Where to run, baby?

Blisters

Burn the candle at both ends

Watching throw the window the rain falling down from the air to the skies…

Is it me who is not doing it right?

Does it matter?

Does it really matter who is to blame

Who is to point?

Who is to say, I was the one who was wrong?

I don’t think so

I don’t feel that way nor have I ever

Did I say different?

Did I sell myself like a white lie?

Have I showed you in this little while someone that you did not know?

Or have I been more and much open and honest that what you would have ever expected? Maybe too much, my love?

Maybe too much to handle without loosing the control over the things that are so pre established?

Pre concentrated

Am I the third party in my own life?

Is this the reality of what I came to live?

Why is my mind so blank at time and so God damn full others

Why I find myself at 5:30 in the morning making black coffee and thinking if the cream will be enough for three?

Is a beautiful dream and yet, I feel the butterflies in my stomach

Am I ever going to feel at home in this place?

And is it me that does not fit with the rules or the rules are so absurd that are meant to be changed?

But I don’t want to be the reason for your world to torn on another direction

It would not be right

It would not be me

It would not make me stay

Am I really here?

 

Wrist open on two

Blood falling, waterfalls of red oceans that shows indeed that inside me I am alive

How can be both feel such immense love and yet not know so much about each other?

Why I don’t feel afraid of say these sort of things or feel them or thinking them but I am so terrify of how would they affect you and how much would they might may your entire world as you know it crumble?

I am not trying to be the one that stop the circle

But I am waiting outside to become part of the game

Haven’t you notice me?

I'm the girl that sits and wait

Or am I the one who walks away when she feels outsider?

Am I the one that runs to your arms when she needs comfort?

Or am I the one that turns around and run when everything that she thought and believed in is torn apart and change in pieces unknown to her imagination and outside of any possible comprehension?

I would buy the book

To learn the rules

If you give me the chance

To show you that outside your ways there are others…

I would give my life to be part of your pass

To become part of whom you are today

And not feel so different

I would give everything for you to see that it is with you that I want to build my life

But not a life that I feel detached.

I won’t live my own life feel like I'm giving up being myself.

I can’t, I don’t think nobody should

I'm not the one who would march with the flag or anything about any human rights or shit

But I won’t do that to myself

I know that right now.

So yes, is hard,

And we are opposite in a lot of matters.

Are we going to go on asking ourselves and to each other if we should go on or jump out?

Or accept the difference and learn to live with it?

The silence makes me crazy

And the noise drives me insane

Speaking my mind makes me free

And being locked inside myself can kill me even if I keep breathing, waking up and making coffee with cream and two spoons of sugar.

 

 

 

 

Mara G. Smith

5/17/2005

8:03pm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I lay down

After trying once again to translate my resume

How could it be so hard?

If the words are in my skull

And I have been the one who was working

So those are my previous experiences…

How come suddenly it feels like if I have never leaved my parents house?

How come the words won’t come out when I need them?

Or why the knowledge I thought was more then enough

Became so useless when I got on the plane?

…

I gave it a while

I was done for the moment

And I wanted to join you in bed

My head was alienated

And I wanted to get lost of so many hunted judgments

By your side,

Around your arms…

Breathing from your exhalation.

…

And the gentle touch of your skin made mine boiled

As I moved to escape the ephemera idea of make you mine

Meanwhile your mind was completely vanished and dreaming

I knew it well you won’t remember it in the morning

…

I pulled myself away

And in a clumsy moved

My leg robbed your soft body

And the blood told me it was too late

Because my head was already thinking

In how does it feel when you’re inside me…

…

I kissed and moan

I spared my wings

Inviting you in

To dance with me, my skin and your heat surrounded by the sheets

To perceive my nipples getting hard of excitation.

Melting from the simple thought of the touch from your smooth masculine fingers…

…

You moaned me back

And let escaped a legitimate whisper in between your dreams or your nightmares

You said: “no…let me sleep…I am tired”

…

And with all the strength I had in me

I made myself to a side

Jumping inside my confinement clothes of oblivion

I beg for your forgiveness and for you to forget

That I was so needed of your touch

Or your attention.

 

And impossibilities to sleep

I torn myself apart

Set in front of the screen

To dream with my eyes open

Watching you in the pictures

The wildness and beauty in you

The mayor weakness in me

And the night

That keeps sorting out us away

As you sleep to the bath of the moon from above

And I escape from the awareness’ of the light

Weather is a sunny day, a rainy one or one in the middle.

I dream away my awkwardness

Meanwhile you face your furious demons

I sink inside my useless hours

Meanwhile I see you rising each dawn

In another victorious conquer on your asylum.

 

 

 

 

 

3:37am

Mara G. Smith

 

What I feel is something that is very difficult to explain with

words,

 Could I kiss your lips without getting tired ever, for the rest of my life...

But would be the point if you do not wish to kiss my soul?

You want to know... it burns me...the truth is that all this is unilateral,

You dont want  to play with me?

You could  have decided that  before... now Im already in love. .

And although I was who followed  you, I cannot tell you that I do not regret it...

The dreams last for ever....

Even after your gone away...

And the bitter taste in the mouth, the injustified sadness of my life.

That remaind with me too.

Why you dont try to health my wounds?

It seems that it is your  intention, (hurt me, ignore me, lie to me)

As if you had appeared like my own punishment!

This  situation is making me fall in the same hole of your fogotten’s ones.

I fall dragging me by an opportunity to the forgetfulness.

A tunnel under the glance of those who doesn’t know me. Nor they meant  to do it!

It hurts to me, your “despcrecio” is killing  me.

And you, you above  all those, your full eyes of rage and cheap seduction...

You were made to hurt me?

Why I was made to love you?

But you reject the idea.

You look for perfection where it does not seem meaninful...

What would I give just to have you---.

And I do not talk about your body, nor the tangible thing, I speak of your inside...

 where your blood runs,

The same one that it feed me...even if you dont notice...

And although you hate to listen to me saying it... you stole a  heart  and you do not deserve it.

You brighten up with disappearing of my life, you should be ashame!

I am the one who could  please  you when at night...

the fear take control over you.

That terror that does not have name and does not go away with time.

And you dont know me-

I saw you several lives before this one and I was there loving you..

I belong to you although I hate to admit it, and I die on the inside when  you reject my sacrifices trying only to save you.

Because saving yoursoul I feel alive.

You believe that Im selfish ?

 As if I could make you  understand that I was born for that!

Look into my eyes, I pray that that thunder awake you.

but you will not be able to hear anything else but lies...

 

I would have kissed you forever  and until  my caresses, my fingerprints have your shapes burned....

You do not see it in my eyes.

Obviously! It is  beyond  your reasons. Your limitate comprehension.....

I do not exist to you-

The one  who adores you is invisible to you.-

 

 

Did you offer your friendship to me?

 I do not want it, understand me...

 How can i settle with so little? I was aking you just tell me “hello”

 

Desire? I would run miles to hold your hand ...not your sex....your simple hand...

 

And  although you do not say it... you know i deserve at least some words...

 

 

And you assume I will always be there with my unconditional support there although it

means to sink  myself  until I can be  able  in means of your damn

and betreaded  hell and take your  hand and pull you out of that

dreg that tricks you and blind you.

 and give you what  I feel for you, that belong to you. Life.

Game? Trap?

Have fun  but you do not lose yourself...

Only in your eyes I find the peace to sleep at night.

Only  between my arms you ‘ll find the reason that will give your life some

sense.

Mara G. Smith

 

 

Lo que siento es algo que es muy difícil de explicar con palabras,

Podría besarte los labios sin cansarme por el resto de mi vida,

Pero de que serviría si vos no queres besarme el alma?

Queres saber... me quema,  la verdad es que todo esto es unilateral,

No queres jugar conmigo, podrías haberlo decidido antes... ahora ya he perdido.

Y si bien fui yo quien te siguió, no puedo decirte que no me arrepiento...

Los sueños me duran por tanto tiempo,

Aun después de que te vayas...

Y el gusto amargo en la boca, la tristeza injustificada de mi vida.

Por que no podes sanarme las heridas?

Parece que fuera a propósito, como si hubieras aparecido como mi propio castigo!

Me estas haciendo caer en donde yo he enviado a tanta gente que no significo nada,

Caigo arrastrándome por una oportunidad al olvido.

Un túnel bajo la mirada de tantos que en verdad no me conocen. Ni quieren hacerlo!

Me duele, tu desprecio me esta matando.

Y vos, vos sobre todos aquellos, tus ojos llenos de rabia y seducción barata...

Fuiste hecho para mi y yo fui hecha para vos

Pero rechazas la idea.

Buscas perfección donde no parece importarte el limite de lo que rompería por tenerte.

Y no hablo de tu cuerpo, ni  lo tangible, hablo de tus adentros es en donde corre tu sangre,

La misma que me alimenta...

Y aunque odies escucharme decir... me robaste el corazón y no lo mereces.

Amenazas con desaparecer de mi vida, debería darte vergüenza!

Yo soy quien te hace el favor de abrazarte cuando en la noche te gana el miedo.

Ese terror que no tiene nombre y no se va con el tiempo.

Y no me conoce tu ser, me vio varias vidas antes que esta.

Te pertenezco aunque odie admitirlo, y me muero por dentro cuando vos rechazas mis sacrificios por salvarte.

Por que solo al salvarte me siento viva. Me crees egoísta. Como puedo hacerte entender que nací para eso!

Mírame a los ojos, ruego que aquel trueno te ensordezca por siempre,

mas no podrás oír mas mentiras que te hacen desear lo que el alrededor mundano te hace codiciar.

Debería bastarte y hasta sobrarte con mis caricias, mis dedos tienen tus formas grabadas.

No lo ves en mi ojos?.

Maldición! mira mas allá de tus razones.

No existe quien te adore como yo lo hago desde las sombras de lo que no tiene sentido de ser...

Y me brindas tu amistad, no quiero desmerecerla, entiéndeme, te lo estoy suplicando,

pero como podes esperar que me conforme con tan poco cuando en el torrente de mis venas siento que somos el uno para el otro?

Deseo? Correría kilómetros para sostener tu cabeza cuando duela!

Y yo lo se aunque no lo digas... me amas, me amas aunque no lo sepas.

Y vos podes sentir mi incondicional apoyo aunque signifique hundirme hasta poder alcanzarte en el medio de tu maldito y traicionero infierno y de ahí tomarte de la mano y arrebatarte de esa escoria que te atrapa, y darte lo que solo yo siento en las entrañas que te pertenece. Vida.

Juego? Trampa?

Divertite mas no te pierdas...

Solo en tus ojos encuentro la paz para dormir de noche.

Solo entre mis brazos encontraras la razón para que tu vida tenga sentido.

 

It feels around

You can not see it

It does not have a name

But you can feel it

Eating you from your insides

You want to make the question

You know the answer that will fallow

But yet the cold air is so frozen

That your heart is slowly stopping beating

You know what you want

You know who that person is standing there

He does not seem to feel alright

You just don’t know where to place yourself to not feel in his way

You want to make another question

You also know the answer for this one as well

Then way the air is so cold

Two different worlds

Amalgamated in this same room

Your space…his space…

…

You bath yourself with time

Excuses to understand

That the fitting time is not only for you but for the rest around you

You feel outside

And yet you know the answer

You are his life

He have told you that many times

And yet the air around keep getting cold

And even though you’re standing

Sited

Or walking next to him

This abysm seem to separate both of your minds

Where are you…you want to whisper

Maybe is not him who’s walking away

But you that keep pushing him out

But why?

If you just want to be around him…

You have another question

You know the answer to that too

He does love you

More then you could never understand he says

Irony then

Faith or someone is playing cards with your life

You love him so

That hurts to dead

To feel this way

I wish I was dust

I wish I was a chair

I wish I was something that in some how

Could just be around him without feeling

This way

…

I felt his best friend once

Today I turn my head to see him sleep

I tried to caress him and his deeply sleep

I talk meanwhile he sleeps

And say the things I can not say when his awake

…

I turn my head

To take my eyes away from this screen

And his lying there on our bed

Our bed it is…

Our bed must be

I’m sleeping there

He wanted me to be…

And yet the air is cold and our hearts

Slowly are stopping pounding

…

And there is not words left to explain

To implore

To express

How badly you do not want that to go on…

 

Mind leaving conscience

Words without processing or editing

I need you

I want you

I love you

And mute I stay staring at you lying there just centimeters away

And I don’t know how to move toward you

Reach for you

Make contact with you

Include myself into every part of your life.

 

 

 

Marush

 

 

 

There is something that is not working right...

That thing is inside me, beneth my skin

The world that surrounded me...escape from me

And nobody laugh with me anymore

It does not matter when I am there or if I leave

In the very end of everything

Where I know I looking down and I touch ground

There’s no one else to blame but me

Im responsable.

I was the one that being myself pushed everything that could have been good away from me.

It does not matter if you can see the more trusful tears of pain falling from my eyes

I have grown in the heart of those that surrounded me the flower of rejection

All have got tired of my way of react

All have been close to my voice to not hear my regrets...

I have known how to destroid everything that could have turn out into something good

I dont have real friendships

There is nobody that waits for me

There is notoby that closes his/her eyes when goes to bed and seek for my hands.

I have lost them all with my stupid change of humor

The hate for the grays...my extremism have separate me from all

I wanted to listen to you so I could be better...

But obviously I have missundertood you because it only have been worse.

I have reach the bottom.

And of course being in front the screen is not all I do in life

But I thought we were friends...

But I pushed you away and I lost you.

Or you were never real?!

I walked away without looking back

There are things that does not have a brand new start

There was a say...” one time throw the rock and the rest of the time you will be blame either you did it or not”

But around me, although I play I m tough...

I can hear the gossip

I can not tell you how much they hurt...

Even if the last time I check I did not have a heart at all....

And words describe me as if they really know me

And behind those typed words people really think they know who Mara is...

Is anyone here that really knows me?

 

In my lonelyness my head do not rest,

A memory that does not want to leave me alone

Makes me remember over and over what i did wrong

Be myself....I just ...i was myself.....wispers...

A per of hands that turn from soft to rough

A pillow that does not want to hold my dreams

A world that I have contaminated...

When I made the mistake of not keep something to myself and being so open,

Trust so easily

Give so much

Care and love...

At least I can be call anything but selfish...I haven’t kept anything from myself.

My deadly mistake.

Being only me.

So transparent. So open, so carring...so me.

So much that I have to give and I dont seem to find someone who really accept me from who i am that all I have is starting to get rotten...

Something that grows inside me and it is killing me.

A really nasty smell that escape from my inside

A liver that burns

A heart that does not feel. Im getting dry.

I trusted you.

It hurts.

Run away! Run...dont stay close to me!!!

I will ruin you

The flowers that could have grown here, are being eating by worms...

The perfume on the field without discover it turns into deadly gas

The poison of my cares

I will never be able to caress you without hurting your skin.

Without leaving a path of sadness...

There is not sensibility that ever compares with mine

And feeling so ,uch so deep only makes me hurt each day a little more

When i found myself in a world where nobody seems to speak the same languague or use the same codes...

 

I wish I knew how do you see me through your eyes

Do you ever stop thinking that this is just me

And I did not tried to change you

But I accepted you

And still

At my first mistake you judged me?

Your condemn me

You locked the door

And there was no more words...

 

You are going to leave--- as many others...have and will...

There will not longer a me...I will be a memory or not even that

A psyco...a stocker... a possesive crazy criature...

A broken glass, a echo in the silence, a sweet tear, a quiet scream, a mude ask for help, a blind look, an ended life, a useless heart, a dry mouth....

Just because I was myself.

Just because I decided I wont change...

I’ll be the history of my own decision

You deny me your love, your friendship, your voice

And I never asked you for anything

Anything that you did not want to give me

Never judge you.

Never asked you.

Never left you alone.

And today I am the one alienated...

Decided to locked myself like a gigant door

And I stay inside, between my keyboard, my hands and my mind

 

To prove you that you were right.

Im twisted inside

Im not common

Not sane

Not normal...

Empty.

Crazy.

Hollow

 

How did you see me the first time?

 

How did you want to see me?

 

How does it look if you see me from outside?

 

Wonder...

How does it feels being me from inside?

 

 

 

Marush